Becoming One Flesh

Becoming One Flesh - 1 Corinthians 7:3-6

3-Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4-The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5-Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. 6-But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.

An important consideration in this passage is that Paul is giving advice. He is not making a rule for believers to follow.

In verse 6 he says quite plainly, “But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.” Many people seeking to do God’s will, make a rule out of this passage. Making a rule denies the power of God and will damage the marriage relationship. There are two main points to this passage:

1. Get married to avoid fornication. More in my notes on 1 Corinthians 7:1-2
2. Do not withhold affection (intimacy, love, sex) in marriage, with an exception noted.

In order to understand this passage in its proper context, we first have to understand love. Paul’s famous passage defining love comes just a little further into this letter to the Corinthians in chapter 13.

"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing."

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."

Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly, but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity. - 1 Corinthians 13:1-13

To sum up Paul’s definition of love: love has no need but to give. Love is self-sacrifice. There is no ego in love, there is no self-identity in love.
With this understanding, it is easy to see that the wife’s body belongs to the husband, and the husband’s body belongs to the wife. The two are now one,
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. - Genesis 2:24

There can be no pride in love. There is no longer an identity of self. The identity is in the whole, not the part. Imagine the power of two minds working in harmony, with love.

Solomon describes this power of two,
Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. - Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

So to the first point, one gets married because of a physical need. The physical need is evidence that this individual is not yet a new creature, reborn in Christ. But marriage is a means for constant exhortation, whether explicit or through the subtleties of the relationship. Through this exhortation, the two individuals can become one. Each must be constantly reminded of the meaning of love: to meet the other’s need. And through this process of constant conflict and exhortation, can the two individual wills be conformed to the one will. This cannot happen without love. And only by the resurrection of Christ within each can the joining of the two be complete.

The second point of the passage flows from the first. If there is love, one cannot withhold from the other. Love, remember, serves the need of the other. So if there is love, then affection, intimacy and sex cannot be withheld. It is just not possible. This is not a command, but if these things are withheld, it is evidence that there is no love. Similarly, if affection, intimacy and sex is demanded, it is evidence that there is no love.

So what is this exception Paul speaks of, “Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”?
Consider that the purpose of marriage is to have a constant source of exhortation and conflict to reveal love and to tear down the identity of the individual. And also consider what Paul says,

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (for the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds;) casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; and having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled. - 2 Corinthians 10:3-6

Our calling is to repent of every thought and imagination that comes against Christ. So the exception for withholding affection or sex in verse 5 is for the purpose of taking the time to discover the pride within that still insists on carnal needs, so that we may repent of our flesh, pulling down the stronghold of pride, and be more capable of truly loving our spouse and becoming one mind and one flesh. If the withholding is not accompanied by the process of repentance, than it can only harm, because if repentance isn’t the purpose of the withholding, than holding on to self-identity is, which is pride. There is no love in pride.

1 Corinthians 7:1-2 — 1 Corinthians 7:7-9


“Becoming One Flesh - 1 Corinthians 7:3-6”
(Why there may be difficulty)

Some people who have been abused, neglected, controlled, exploited, manipulated, coerced, conned, or disrespected have been given little or no voice or freedom in past relationships, even if they are Christians. Little or no help is truly available in today’s church that really deals with core issues. Many in the church are affected in such ways as well as outside the church.

Some have a difficult time receiving “REAL” love and also have difficulty “GIVING” true love, because those in their past who were in leadership/power/authority positions to give love just didn’t. Or, those who were to be examples of love including family members, pastors, Sunday school teachers, friends and coaches just didn’t come through for them when it was needed most. Consequently… the mystery, questions, pain, confusion and uncertainty of how to love remain until God brings healing, clarification and wholeness. We don’t need more sermons on love; we need pure and consistent demonstrations of unconditional love that meet our needs, which are based in God’s truths about love.

Blocking, freezing and numbing of emotions occurs when real love doesn’t take place in one’s life. Christians seeking help may turn to pastors. They meet and pastors give a few sessions of counseling and then say, “I’ll pray for you.” Most pastors do not look for, nor do they know how to accurately discern the root problems surrounding many issues, nor do they embrace the Biblical model of man being spirit, soul and body. Thus the person hurting continues to stumble through their forest of discouragement, not knowing where to turn. Basic pastoral ministry involves a degree of counseling. To not seek training or resources for hurting people is an injustice to God, truth, the church, the naive, the seeker and to life in general.

As a trained social worker, family therapist with over 12,000 logged hours, ordained minister and Christian of 36 years, there’s not much I haven’t seen. Many who have felt discouraged from past experiences when they sought help and desperately needed hope in the midst of despair and darkness wind up in my office telling me their stories. Some you wouldn’t believe.

In short, Christians need to be truly discipled in how to love. There are many components to love. Most of all, the Father’s love, the Son’s love and the Holy Spirit’s love need to be experienced before anyone can give true love according to I Corinthians 13.

David Hammock. Copyright © 2009. All Rights Reserved.